I can’t explain the amount of youtube videos I had watched while preparing for college “I thought I had everything figured out”. I felt very prepared and organized some might say, I had made a mental note in my head to either go for prayers or church work so I would have enough time for school and studying. School started and I had made it my priority to study almost every day but there was something happening to my quiet time felt like I had boxed God to this everyday routine and it just felt rehearsed. I found it easier to talk about Jesus but there was something happening on the inside of me, no one was seeing. For some reason,one of my friends called me and we prayed in the holy ghost while worshipping. I remember I kept crying and crying and there was this spark but weeks later it was back to this routine. I had stopped journaling for weeks and I knew journaling was very important to me because it was my way of talking to God and there was just this peace it brought to me.
There was this anxiety and fear of the unknown as midterm exams approached and reading weeks prior did nothing to ease the anxiety . I had set a target for myself 90/100 and then I said to myself, be more realistic so 80/100,with the amount of reading that should do it and nothing less. Imagine the shocker when my first grade came out and I got a 65,I said to myself this can’t be my score and immediately emailed the teacher only for her to reaffirm that it was my score. I cried and cried, I felt I had disappointed God and myself, Lord how could you do this to me?I had read so much for this and I could hear clearly “are you ready to talk to me now” but I didn’t want to talk , I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of making me feel peace,I needed to be angry. So I told friend weeping my eyes out and she said”bolu, Jesus isn’t proud of you because of your exam grades,He is already proud of you, you just have to talk to him and let him know how you are feeling” mind you this was a day after my birthday, what a nice birthday surprise Jesus,I said to myself. But the morning after,I remember just picking up my journal and writing and writing , crying, the huge weight it lifted off my shoulders, the clarity it brought moreover, how when we are still, we hear him so clearly and then Him bringing me back to the promises he made to me concerning my studies There is strength for Bolu to do my will my strength is made perfect in her weakness,she is led.
It gave me this resurrance that He knows and sees me,like the God of the whole world knows my name ,sees my struggles and is so intentional about comforting me.
Also, there is this sense of performance we all feel in our walk with God maybe if I do xyz, He will love me more. But you see, He can’t love you any less or more than He already does. His love was displayed in the finished work of Christ on the cross. God’s love for us is not performance based because if it was He wouldn’t love us while we were yet sinners.Now, that’s not to say we shouldn’t live a life of excellence so glory can be given back to the father.
Now, I don’t know if we can all relate but the little story was just to assure or even reassure you that things may not go the way you expect, it should even be a good thing because our plans aren’t God’s plan, our expectations aren’t God’s expectations.
So Lord I pray that this serves as a source of encouragement to someone right now, that they know you love them and they cannot be more loved by you.
fromwithin 